Japanese Dating Culture: All You Should Know About Dating in Japan
The strive to explore the world has been a dream of mine since I read Jules Verne’s Voyages Extraordinaire as a teenager. And for some unknown reason, I always admired the uniqueness of Asia and the local people, and when I got a chance to travel there, I didn’t hesitate at all.
Japan was the first Asian country I visited, so it carved a special mark on my heart. I explored Japanese culture from the inside, met so many wonderful people (and not so much), heard their stories, and asked so many questions about relationships with local people, that I believe many thought I was some sort of international matchmaker. If only I had nerves for that…
Oh, it’s time to stop rumbling and tell you about my journey exploring dating in Japan!
Traditional dating culture in Japan
You know that you’ve got the best person telling you about love and relationships, as who else, if not a Frenchman? French people know about “Joie de vivre,” aka enjoying love and the pleasures of life.
My first impression of love in Japan was that it’s… different. But how is Japanese culture different from American dating? In many ways, Western and Asian people are polar apart, and dating culture highlights it more than ever. But that’s what amazes me about Japanese people—they keep Japanese dating customs while still being heavily influenced by the Western world. They create a new fusion you won’t find anywhere else.
FUN JAPANESE DATING CULTURE STATS
- According to the survey, 65.8% of Japanese men and 51.8% of women in their 20s are single in Japan, and in their 30s, 35.5% of men and 27.0% of women remain in a similar situation.
- 40% of men in their 20s-30s haven’t been on their first date yet (hashtags #neverbeenonadate and #singlemale have been trending on Twitter). By the way, it’s only 25% for women.
- 45% of women and 25% of men between the ages of 16-24 are not interested in physical intimacy, which is brightly depicted in Masahiro Yamada’s book “The Age of Parasite Singles.”
Omiai: The arranged marriage system
I’ve heard about omiai, a traditional custom of arranged marriages in Japan, from an old guy who was living nearby my Tokyo Airbnb. Initially, he was not very friendly, but he seemed very curious to talk to me. His English was good enough for me to understand because I’d never be able to learn the Japanese language and any Asian, for that matter.
So, what I’ve learned is that omiai means meeting a Japanese partner to marry.
It’s been a big part of Japanese dating culture since Japan’s feudal era and is a cool matchmaking practice. Today, Japanese people still tend to follow this tradition to some extent, as the concept has heavily evolved. Now there are matchmaking parties (also known as Konkatsu parties) and Japanese dating apps and sites for marriage.
The concept of “Giri” and “Aisuru” in Japanese relationships
I’ve heard these two words too often to admit when I was exploring dating in Japan.
- Giri is translated as “obligation” and can be used in the sense of feeling a sense of duty to the person, which doesn’t scream love for me. But a more interesting way Japanese couples use it—describing little desires, like obligation chocolate or something.
- Aisuru means “to love” in Japanese. It expresses affection towards a Japanese girl or guy, which is also a big deal in Japan. Japanese people usually confess to being in love (there is even a kokuhaku concept for that) rather than gradually developing a romantic relationship.
A serious relationship that began out of responsibility or duty (i.e., “Giri”) may gradually blossom into a strong, loving bond (i.e., “Aisuru”).
Modern Japanese culture for dating
What I’ve noticed listening to Japanese people telling me about love in Japan is that modern dating in Japan has evolved a lot in recent years. I’ll walk you through some main factors of modern Japanese dating.
The emergence of Western-style dating
During the post-World War II period, when American soldiers occupied Japan, Japanese men and women were introduced to new norms and practices of dating, which ushered in a new era of Westernization.
And what are the results?
- Regular and casual dating became a norm
- Younger couples (especially in urban areas) follow Western countries’ traditions of meeting through a mutual friend, online dating sites or dating apps, or even speed dating
- Group dating in Japan became a big hit
But don’t think that the Western style is universally embraced or accepted, as public displays of affection are still a big no-no. Many Japanese people think it’s too self-centered, which doesn’t go well with the sense of community common to many Asian cultures.
The rise of online dating among Japanese women and men
One of the biggest culture shocks I had is that 90% of Japanese people live in 2030-2050.
Technology is so advanced in the county that it has even influenced Japanese dating. Many turn to date apps as it’s just convenient. However, demographic changes also add to the popularity, as Japan is facing a rapidly aging population. So, a dating app that widens the dating horizons or even allows one to date internationally is usually seen as a savior.
And if to remind of shocking stats (to me as French), about 40% of guys in their 20s-30s have never been on a first date—for some people, popular dating apps are the only hope.
Where to meet a Japanese person?
Let’s step a bit away from lonely Japanese romance dramas and explore the main ways that I gathered about where an outsider can get a Japanese boyfriend or girlfriend.
Online dating in Japan
Considering the rising popularity of dating apps in the country, Japanese dating apps should be first on your to-try list.
- Though Tinder is used as a dating app in Japan, it’s less popular than local apps in real life
- There are different apps for different purposes, from arranging a group date to meeting only marriage-conscious people
- 1 in every 5 newlywed Japanese couples met online
- 80% of unmarried people using online dating in Japan say they want a relationship, but 55%, said that they were passive
As you’ve noticed from the statistics, Japanese dating online comes with cultural differences, yet it gets the job done. Here are some online Japanese dating hot spots that can help you start dating in Japan.
| Rank | Site | Free Trial Link | |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | TheLuckyDate |
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| #2 | EasternHoneys |
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| #3 | AsianMelodies |
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| #4 | AmourMeet |
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Offline dating in Japan
Exploring dating in Japan, I was utmostly intrigued to gaze at couples in local cafes in Tokyo and Kyoto and explore where people meet offline.
Here are some of the key things I noticed:
- It’s common for people to start a romantic relationship via introductions of family members or even colleagues.
- Many couples tend to meet through personal connections like hobby groups or parties for special occasions.
- Bars and nightclubs are also a common way to meet a Japanese man or woman, but I noticed they are mainly popular among young people.
- The main first-date trends are visiting a theme park, going to a cute cafe, or shopping.
Oh, and an important thing that I can’t miss mentioning is that offline dating in Japan is about gender roles as it’s different from other countries, France as well—traditional expectations. There is an unspoken understanding that men initiate relationships and also pay for dates.
Challenges of dating in Japan
Studying psychology and learning a lot about dating coaching, I’ve heard a lot about the challenges of Western couples. But what I heard about one woman in a small Tokyo ramen cafe, who was an interpreter and was eager to talk to me, put me in shock for a few days.
Believe me, I’ve been there and seen it all, but this…
The issue of “hikikomori” in Japanese dating culture
The first issue that she told me about was hikikomori. This is a phenomenon when guys are mid-twenties-early thirties hide from society and isolate themselves in their homes for extended periods. Such people prefer to play games and watch anime—it might seem a total blast, but in reality, their quality of life suffers a lot. Not to mention dating life, as one of the most popular gaming genres they play is dating simulations.
Hikikomori is a very sad phenomenon of dating in Japan that strips people of the best joys of life. And I was shocked to learn that 1.5M people are leading such a lifestyle.
The problem of “karoshi” – overworking and its impact on dating in Japan
The second terrifying fact I’ve learned was about karoshi, which literally translates to “overwork death.”
The issue with it is the high value of working very long hours. On average, Japanese people have 80 hours of overtime a month. As a French man, hearing that already seemed a death threat to me.
No French person would agree to change enjoying leisure time to work. If someone spends half of the time working in France, it already looks weird.
There is no doubt that karoshi influence on people dating, as they just have no time for it. And those lucky ones who still somehow managed to go on first dates and get married slowly turn to semi-cohabitation rather than happy family life.
Tips for foreigners on how to navigate dating Japanese women or men
After being in Japan for over two months, I’ve gathered over 100 tips for singles. And I want to share my personal top 3.
#1. Take the lead
That’s the tip for all the guys here who dream about dating Japanese women. To make a good impression on women, you should be confident and sure about what you want from the relationship.
#2. Don’t push PDA
Social pressure, and keeping the image is very important in Japan. So, don’t expect kissing on the first date. And if you decide to go for it, make sure that there is mutual understanding.
#3. Be mindful of gift-giving
Gifts are a special part of dating in Japan, and gift-giving happens not only for special occasions. A lot of gifts come with meaning, making it challenging for a foreigner to navigate in a dating context. But the rule of thumb is to stick with small, thoughtful gifts and avoid overly expensive ones.
Final thoughts
I enjoyed my time in Japan, as it was a journey of a lifetime. I’ve met so many people who shared their own customs and sometimes homes with me and gave me such valuable insight into the unique world of Japanese dating. I was intrigued to get to know about Konkatsu parties or trends in searching for a suitable partner online. But, to be honest, hikikomori and karoshi gave me big chills.
FAQ
Is dating in Japan difficult for foreigners?
Dating in Japan is quite difficult if you go the offline route, as the country has a low English proficiency level, and there are many dating peculiarities you won’t find in other countries. But I’d say online dating in Japan works for foreigners.
How does Japanese dating culture differ from Western dating culture?
Japanese dating culture is more traditional in some ways, as there is proper etiquette around dating in Japan. But at the same time, casual relationships are becoming more common with increasing Westernization.
Can foreigners date Japanese people?
Yes, why not? People in Japan don’t mind dating foreigners, yet the majority date locally. To find those who are into international dating, explore dating sites and apps like those I’ve mentioned.
What are some tips for navigating the dating scene in Japan?
My top 3 would be: respect the personal distance, be clear about your intentions, and take the lead. Oh, and a bonus one—go for specialized Japanese dating sites to save time.
